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I have never in my life felt this much pain, and she's still here, she's still snoozing on the floor like nothing is any different than it was yesterday. Only it is...
Yesterday she was going to the bridge on Saturday. Yesterday I had time, even though I really didn't because I'll be at Mountain Hounds in Gatlinburg starting tomorrow. Yesterday it wasn't real.
Today it is real. She's going to the bridge tomorrow. I sit here and I look at her there and it HURTS. I feel so guilty, she has no idea what is going to happen. She is going to be so happy to go in the car with her Daddy tomorrow night.
I just feel sick. Yesterday it was a dull ache. Today there is no air.
I love you baby girl. Please forgive me, for not being there tomorrow night...for doing this to you...for not doing more for you...for selfishly wanting you to stay...how will I know I've overslept? How will I know that the A/C is on too high? How will I know it's time for doggie dinner?
What will I do at 4:30 on Monday, when no one barks?
What will I do without you?
Yes, Mommy?
So I'm cruising GT the other day and see a post with pictures of Miss Lacey Laine's hinder asking for help identifying the lump under her tail. Interesting, I thought, because Lizzard has one just like that...so I read on.
Anal fistula someone says. Yuck...but can be taken care of...so again I read on. I don't remember most of the posts because two words popped out at me that I heard from our vet the last time we took her in... degenerative myelopathy. Anal fistula can be a side effect of DM. As can other things...knuckling of the feet (check), general weakness in the back end (check), inability to stand or walk with ease (check and check), and incontinence.
As if on cue, the incidences of incontinence have gone through the roof seemingly overnight, and she is having more and more trouble with trying to make her back end work.
It's hard to even type this, but I think that Miz Lizzard's time may have come. Scott agrees... I just feel so guilty, like there's something else I could have done...and I feel guilty for hoping that she would at least hang on for her birthday on July 1st, her 15th...
Our vet warned us the last time we went in that DM was most likely the diagnosis and that we needed to be prepared b/c the end stages come fast and hard. He's right. I feel like it was just yesterday that I got her from the holding kennel as a foster, so the four years we've had her have gone by too too fast. And thinking of my life without her is just too too hard.
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